Spanking & Chastening: Allocution

Mrs. Anderson remained seated behind her desk as I entered her office. Her perfect posture as she studied a file on her desk completed my impression of her as a cold and ruthless woman. She was by no means perfect, her lips glistening with the application of too much red gloss and her cheeks caked with foundation attempting to hide the wrinkles of age and too much frowning. I ridiculed her in my thoughts as if the act could balance out the verbal and physical berating she would soon deliver upon me. When she finally deigned to look at me, I quickly looked to the floor for fear she might find a hint of my impertinent thoughts still dancing in my eyes.

She said, "Only the most poorly raised of our employees are prone to find themselves here so soon after being hired. Mr. Candle assures me this is not the case with you, but I cannot help but wonder if he is mistaken."

Silence was my response as I bit at my lower lip, barely containing an anger-driven reproach to her audacity in presuming to know anything about me or my parents. It was only the secure knowledge she was testing me, attempting to see if I was truly contrite, which kept my tongue from lashing out. I breathed deeply through my nostrils and continued to stare at the floor between my feet and her desk.

"It makes you angry," She said, pushing back from her desk and standing up behind her desk. "But did you give any thought to how your actions would reflect upon them? No? Of course not, you gave no more thought to that than you did to how they would reflect on Mr. Candle or your coworkers or even your friends."

I fumed in silence. How dare she lecture me like a child! I came to face the consequences of my actions not to be mocked by a woman who had never lived or breathed beyond the square lines boxing her meager existence. In her voice I could hear her pleasure in cutting down the tallest of trees and looking down on their once effulgent heights with the scorn of disavowed envy.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself? Any defense for your insolence?" She asked.

I had considered dozens of responses in the event I was asked, but with the angry blood pulsing through my veins they slipped from my mind's grasp like grains of sand through the glass of time. Forcing myself to breathe, I pushed through the red haze clouding my vision and thoughts. Only a carefully considered response would be worthwhile and without one at my disposal I chose the shortest and simplest response because to say anything more would be to risk saying much more than I should.

"No," I said.

"Do you mean for me to accept you as repentant?" She said, walking around her desk and coming to stand directly in front of me. She lifted my head with her index finger until our gazes locked and I could no more hide the anger in my eyes than she could hide the satisfaction in her own. "You offer no explanation and no apologies and attempt to portray insolence as contriteness. Make no mistake, I see through your childish charade."

I held her gaze and swallowed the venom threatening to spew from my tongue. She wanted it and her goading was all about getting it, but she would have to live with disappointment. I knew in the end my only satisfaction this day would come from denying her the little victories over my soul. Whatever sanctions she would enact, punishments she would assign, I could still hold my head high, content in the knowledge she had not unduly influenced me.

"Your supervisor, Mr. Barker," She said, turning away from me and moving back behind her desk where she flipped through the pages of the open file laying on top, "Seems to think I should be lenient. He expresses a belief that extenuating circumstances played a role in your actions and that disciplinary actions already taken have provided adequate correction."

I allowed a glimmer of hope to lighten the dread hanging over me. Was it possible the worst was already over? Had Jack yet again, saved me from myself? Silently, I promised to never again put myself or him in the position if it were only true. A sigh of unfettered relief passed from my lips causing Mrs. Anderson to glare disapprovingly at me. I almost smiled, thinking she was hardly in a position to contradict the highest ranking executive in Quondam Innovations.

Mrs. Anderson said, "It is my responsibility to equally enforce adherence to policy and procedure at every level of this company. Where extenuating circumstances may exist it is also my responsibility to balance them so as to avoid the existence, dare I say the appearance, of favoritism or special treatment. Mr. Barker's letter mentions these extenuating circumstances, but it falls short of any explanation. Would you care to elaborate?"

I remained silent as I too wondered what circumstances Jack was referencing. Obviously, he had left me an out, an opportunity, to defend myself and get back to work without the humiliation of a severe disciplinary action. If I had known in advance, I might have prepared an appropriate sounding story, but instead I spent my weeks of downtime preparing myself to accept the forthcoming consequences without any thought toward the possibility of avoiding them completely. It was in fact my nephew who drove away any such thoughts I might have entertained.

A few days passed since I had returned from Chile before my soreness and bruises had faded to the point I could move and sit without the overwhelming urge to moan and groan. My first order of business was to visit my nephew and wish him a belated happy birthday, having missed his party and the all important day as well. On sight, he wrapped his little arms around me as usual, but the hug was devoid of his usual exuberance. Instantly, I knew something was wrong.

I soon learned my sister-in-law had failed to acquire a gift for my nephew as I had asked and worse, had failed to offer any explanation to Geoff. He concluded I had forgotten his birthday and despite my assurances to the contrary, clung to the facts as he knew them. It would have been easy to assign all the blame to my sister-in-law, but my nephew had a different perspective.

"Mommy was here for my birthday," He said, by way of defense, "You weren't."

It was that simple. There were no words or gifts which could alter the past. I could not argue the disappointment out of his heart anymore than I could erase my absence from his special day. He knew this simple truth in a way I had forgotten until that moment; Whatever reasons exist, it is by our actions, or inactions, that we will be judged, good, bad, or indifferent, for a bad deed remains a bad deed no matter how pure the intention.

"I asked you a question." Mrs. Anderson said, bringing me back to the present.

"Mr. Barker could be referring to a number of complications which impacted my decisions," I said.

"Is it your belief that one or more of these complications should excuse your blatant violation of policy?" She asked.

"Even if I did, I expect you would want to discuss the particulars and I'm not certain I am at liberty to do so," I said.

"It is your choice however, you should know I am already privy to the most confidential details regarding yourself and your position with this company," She said, flipping through the file again. "For example, the recent increased threat to you and potentially your family by violent adversaries. Is that perchance among these extenuating circumstances I should consider?"

My mouth hung open as I processed her revelation of knowledge. If she knew about the threat, then why would she even question the circumstances to which Jack had been referring? Was she baiting me into some sort of elaborate trap or was there some policy that required me to say what she already knew in order for it to be considered as a defense? I struggled against the mounting frustration threatening to crack what little composure I retained as she glared at me with irritatingly smug eyes.

"Yes," I said, deciding a small chance for a reprieve was better than none at all.

"Then you are saying when you left work without permission, you were concerned for the wellbeing of your family?" She asked.

"In part, yes," I said, trying not to cringe at the lie. In truth, I had given no thought to them being in danger at the time, but if the appearance of such a belief would gain me a second chance it seemed a lie well worth telling.

"In part? Well it is understandable from an emotional point of view, but why not express the concerns to your supervisor or Mr. Candle? Why run home on your own?" She said.

"Mr. Barker was out of the office and I thought in his absence the decision rested solely with me," I said.

"Have you known, Mr. Barker to leave work without a word to anyone?" She asked.

"No."

"Then why would you think it appropriate for yourself to do so?" She asked.

"It was a mistake," I said, surrendering the point.

"Yes, it was," She said, pausing to stare at me. "Furthermore, have you considered the irrationality of your decision?"

"Irrationality?" I asked, wondering what she was thinking, but knowing it did not bode well for me.

She said, "Yes. In leaving here in the middle of the work day, without proper security precautions, you might well have led those violent adversaries straight to those people you were trying to protect. In essence your reckless, emotionally-based action served only to increase the danger to your family and friends. Can I safely assume this was not your goal?"

"Obviously, with the perfect perspective of hindsight, I realize I should have done things differently," I said, my anger starting to get the better of me for a moment.

"If you had adhered to policy there would be no need for hindsight," Mrs. Anderson said.

"As I said, it was a mistake," I said, trying not to grit my teeth as the words came out.

"On that we can most certainly agree," She said, fixing her disapproving eyes on me. "It would seem this particular extenuating circumstance serves only to reinforce the importance of the policy you willfully disregarded or do you disagree?"

Her eyes dared me to disagree as she waited patiently for my response. I examined her argument from every angle I could imagine in the hopes I might find a fatal flaw by which she would be forced to acknowledge me as being in the right, but there was nothing more glaringly obvious than the solidity of her position. In the absence of contradiction I shook my head in concession, unable and unwilling to put a voice to the guise of my defeat.

"Excellent. It is good you understand why I cannot accept such a circumstance as a viable excuse," Mrs. Anderson said, looking back down at the file and turning more pages. "I notice there is also reference in here to an incident in which you were taken captive while on assignment in Chile."

She paused to look up at me for confirmation and I nodded in response. The threat against my family's safety had been my only true hope of escaping consequences and while I understood she would go through the motions of pretending to consider other possible excuses I held no optimism for the prospect of a better chance presenting itself.

"Interestingly enough it seems you were following instructions for a change when this unfortunate event occurred," She said.

"Mr. Barker had sent Tom and I on an assignment," I said, confirming her summary.

She said, "Yes, and according to Mr. Clark's report you disagreed with Mr. Barker's course of action."

"I followed it," I said.

"That is not in dispute," Mrs. Anderson said, looking up at me for a moment before returning her attention to the file. "You were however, injured, tortured in fact, as a result of following Mr. Barker's instructions. Instructions with which you disagreed."

"And your point is?" I said.

"I have several. First, it is not unreasonable to presume Mr. Barker or yourself might consider the incident an extenuating circumstance, while not proceeding your violation of policy, confirming suspicions and fears which did. In such a light it could be construed as an affirmation to the possibility your violation of policy was in some manner justified. However, as we have already discussed and agreed, your action, well-meaning as it might have been, was in reality reckless and did more to foster the threat than reduce it."

She paused to look at me for confirmation. I wanted to deny it, argue with her annoying simplification of a much more complex issue, but I realized anything I could say would only come off as desperate or ignorant. Rather than fight the inevitable, I nodded my head and waited for her to continue.

Mrs. Anderson said, "Second, the treatment you received while a captive might be thought of as a substitute for the pending disciplinary action you are here for today. While this point of view is perfectly understandable it is also perfectly incorrect. Nothing would be more fatuous than to allow an unrelated and uncontrolled hardship to be construed as punishment for genuine misdeeds. It would be as if to say, Mr. Barker intentionally placed you in harms way because you broke a rule and no matter how tenuous the connection might be, it is one that should not be made or encouraged in any matter. The incident was more than sufficient grounds to delay this disciplinary action, but beyond that, it has no connection whatsoever to this disciplinary action."

"I was never under any impression it was related." I said.

"Which brings us to my third point," She said. "Mr. Barker, as your supervisor, is responsible for your safety while you are working for Quondam Innovations. It is quite likely he feels a level of responsibility and guilt for what happened to you and has therefore written this letter to me in hopes I might help him assuage his guilt by reducing or even eliminating the pending disciplinary action against you."

I found myself nodding in agreement with her assumption. It was logical and in fact sounded exactly like something Jack Barker would do. Remember how angry he was with me when I arrived in Chile it was not hard to imagine him feeling guilty at how things had turned out, especially since he had allowed his anger with me to influence his decisions to a degree. If I had been wrong, it would probably be a different story, but I had been right and he had not listened.

She said, "I see you agree with my assessment. Unfortunately, I cannot assist Mr. Barker in this manner because as we all know, two wrongs do not make a right. Mr. Barker will have to make amends to you in some other manner and unless you have some additional arguments for me to consider, I have no choice but to assign an appropriate disciplinary action."

The knots in my stomach tightened as I stood waiting for her to pronounce sentence. All thoughts of a reprieve had been dashed and the pain of it tugged at my heart despite the fact I had arrived with none at all. Mrs. Anderson had expertly led me on a fruitless chase designed to do nothing more than give me hope which she could snatch away. It was her job of course, but it did not take a degree in psychology to see she took a little too much pleasure in doing it.

Mrs. Anderson said, "I'm placing you on disciplinary duties for the next five business days during which time all access and privileges related to your Q5 assignment are revoked. They will be restored on a probationary status for 30 days following the completion of your disciplinary duties. You will report to Mr. Foley daily for your assignments and you should be sure to give yourself enough time to arrive at your assignments by 8 A.M. Do you have any questions?"

"No," I said.

"Then you are dismissed. Mr. Foley has your assignment for today at his desk," She said.